I’ve always been a fan of Simon Armitage. His poem, ‘Kid’, is one that I read over and over again, and it manages to make me laugh every single time. Armitage writes about Batman from Robin’s point of view, and a few years ago, I thought that I’d try to emulate his style by writing about Harry from Ron’s perspective.
Harry, hero, when you left me to, as you call it
‘Spread Your Wings’ and ‘Take a Break’ –
or, really, ‘Ditch Me For My Sister’…I quit.
Revealed to the world who you really were – cheat,
phony, flake. There was never really any ‘Chosen One’ – all counterfeit.
Only a kid with a scar, and I exposed you, shocked
millions, leaked the affair with Cho too, just
for good measure. No longer Dumbledore’s favourite,
Lily-eye-clone, the prophecy’s fated.
I’m no longer the understudy, the second, dumped.
Potter, I’m different, now I’ve dyed
that ginger mop, scrapped the broken wand,
Christmas jumpers, gone and shredded
for leather jackets and belts, all studded.
Dragon heartstring, 13 inches, elm – rigid;
I’m new and improved, experienced, rugged.
Harry, oh, Harry – it’s wonderful, isn’t it?
The abandoned wonder kid
in an apron and Albus’ vomit.
Nothing to eat, still on welfare benefit:
forcing down porridge as times are desperate.
You baby. Now I’m the real big hit.